Every damn time I walk into the kitchen, I feel like they hear me. I feel like they're thinking about how I'm uncontrollable and fat and FAT and FAT. I can walk away with a bag of carrots or a bag of grapes, but they don't care. It's food all the same to them.
When my dad asked me about XC, I told him it was in August. He told me "Well...make sure you stay in shape for it". Is he trying to say I'm out of shape? Have I gotten bigger? I can't feel myself within myself anymore.
I hate this hot weather. I hate these sunny days. I want the cold and the rain to come back and keep me company. I'll wait by my window and soak my vision in the drear. Warm weather means crazier kids. People at school are becoming more daring, more capable of danger. I hear them yip and yell, and I stay hunkered down, avoiding eye contact and communication. I want someone to care, but I want them to go away. I react defensively when people ask me "What's wrong?" and I feel empty and unnoticed when they don't.
The missing part of the equation is empathy.
I need a hug and I need an arm. I need a person to be my pillow. I want to bury my head into their softness and warm skin, and I want them to care. I need sincerity. That is what is lacking. In the meantime, I'll push everyone else away and settle for a teddy bear.