Every damn time I walk into the kitchen, I feel like they hear me. I feel like they're thinking about how I'm uncontrollable and fat and FAT and FAT. I can walk away with a bag of carrots or a bag of grapes, but they don't care. It's food all the same to them.

When my dad asked me about XC, I told him it was in August. He told me "Well...make sure you stay in shape for it". Is he trying to say I'm out of shape? Have I gotten bigger? I can't feel myself within myself anymore.

She's gone.

I hate this hot weather. I hate these sunny days. I want the cold and the rain to come back and keep me company. I'll wait by my window and soak my vision in the drear. Warm weather means crazier kids. People at school are becoming more daring, more capable of danger. I hear them yip and yell, and I stay hunkered down, avoiding eye contact and communication. I want someone to care, but I want them to go away. I react defensively when people ask me "What's wrong?" and I feel empty and unnoticed when they don't.

The missing part of the equation is empathy.

I need a hug and I need an arm. I need a person to be my pillow. I want to bury my head into their softness and warm skin, and I want them to care. I need sincerity. That is what is lacking. In the meantime, I'll push everyone else away and settle for a teddy bear.

I don't feel like eating anything today. So I guess I'll fast. I ate enough to make up for 2 days anyway, so I don't see the harm.

I'm procrastinating really hard on 2 papers. It's already 2:15 AM. I have not finished my first paper, let alone started on my second paper. I'm a complete mess when it comes to getting stuff done. I would rather...I don't know, read or look up stuff about psychology. I would rather plan my meals and count calories. I would rather write poetry about how my life sucks. Umph.

I had such a terrible day. I barely left my room. WAIT, scratch that. I left my room a lot, to eat. A lot. I've been stressed out about my papers all day, so naturally, I've been binging like woah. I can also feel a monster zit developing on my face. It's not visible...yet. But it hurts and it's vaguely pink. It's the kind of zit that you know will be large, greasy, and fug.

I'm listening to music in hopes of distressing myself. I'm about to hold my breath, pinch my nose, and dive into these assignments. Hopefully, I'll be able to resurface instead of drown.

I guess this is just me taking everything personally, but I'm a bit fed up with you. I'm still not really quite getting why you shrugged off my fancy in you, telling me you're "not over your ex", but the next thing I know OH HAY I'M DATING SOMEONE NEW BTW LULZ.
Uh. Woah, woah, woah, woah, wait.

I thought you weren't over your ex? I...guess you are now? And shut the fuck up, you are not in love with your current girlfriend. You've been with her since the 5th of this month, and now you're gushing about how you're truly-uly in WUV~
I think that's just about enough for me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't take love seriously. I'm sorry, but I won't ever be able to exchange those 3 words with you sincerely if you ever decide I'm datable enough for you. It takes me a while, okay? Okay. Your taste in music sucks, too. I regret ever calling you smart, because you're a dumb fuck who doesn't read.
But you're funny. God knows I'm a sucker for someone who can make me laugh.

And to another girl:
Well, you're cute I guess. I don't know, I probably have to meet you before I decide whether or not I want to continue our cutesy texts and whatnot. Your taste in music sucks, too, but...you say you read, apparently. I think you're a smart girl, but...
I'll just have to decide for myself when we meet.

Dream girl, come along, yes please?

No, I cannot simply stop. Fuck, I wish I could. If I could, I would not be in this situation. I'm trying, believe me. Don't tell me to "not think about it", because then I'll think about not thinking about it and my mind will drift to thinking about it. I KNOW I AM BEING IRRATIONAL. I KNOW I THAT WORRYING ABOUT GETTING A DOUBLE CHIN AFTER EATING A LITTLE TOO MUCH IS "STUPID" AND "SILLY" AND THAT IT'S NOT POSSIBLE. I KNOW THIS. WRAP YOUR FUCKING HEAD AROUND THIS WORD: PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER. IT IS AFFECTING THE WAY I THINK, AND DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T.

Nevermind, I'm not. A part of me is disappointed; the other half is relieved.


The part of me that's disappointed is urging me to not eat anything else for the rest of today. I can't listen. I can't. I won't.

Binge/purge. What else is new.

2 bowls of cheerios
1 pb & j sandwich
1 veggie burger
1 soft pretzel

I was contemplating whether or not I should drive to the gas station and buy oreos and shit to purge. I might.

I don't know why I just planned to eat less than 1200 calories tomorrow. I know good and well I'm going to be swimming a lot. I need to eat around 1500. I don't want to. I'm afraid to.


I am currently in the 150's. I am a size 11/12. I am not "ana". I don't even know if I have an eating disorder. I used to be falling down the path of EDNOS, but it wasn't bad enough to keep me from rebelling and being healthy. Who am I kidding, though? I'm NOT healthy. My body might be healthy, but my mind isn't. I shouldn't look at these skeletal figures on the internet and aspire to be them. What's worse is that I'm starting to see healthy bodies and think "She's not thin enough".

WHAT THE HELL? Yes, she is. Don't encourage her. This is madness, let her be. Alas, she is a mass of pixels on my laptop screen. She cannot hear me.

Something about ED elitism and my past behaviors...encourages me. As if I'm not sick enough.

I'm sick of this.
I fell back into something I hated.

I don't deserve to struggle with this.